Does Health Care Care?

One of the features I like best on Facebook are the alerts that show up on your homepage that gives you updates on your friends. One of my friends changed his "interests" to "not waiting in line for health care". He added it right before the PA primaries and reading it got my wheels turning.

This week I got sick and needed antibiotics. Six months ago this wouldn't have been a big deal. But now that I am working for myself I don't have health insurance that will cover it. I have what they call a catastrophic policy. Translation: I pay $100 per month just in case I get struck my lightening - in which case I pay the first $5000 of my hospital bills and the insurance pays the rest. Supposedly. Lucky for me I have a friend who has the means to obtain prescriptions but I'm buying antibiotics on the black market because COBRA would cost me $350/month to give me coverage.

This made be think about my friend's statement about "not waiting in line for health care". I am a liberal. I think he is a Neal Bortz (I forgot what they are called). Anyway. I agree with him. I don't want to wait in line for health care. But the system in hypocritical. This country hangs its hat on the "American Dream" - making your own wealth - achieving success. However, when someone tries to take that leap it is nearly impossible to insure yourself. I have to chose: drive a car or have health insurance? How are you supposed to live your dreams when you are tethered to an antiquated system that controls you by fear? Fear of getting sick, injured, maimed.

It sucks. The whole insurance business is based on fear or getting sick - getting in a wreck - dying and leaving your family in debt. They capitalize on fear and they know people will pay what it takes.

I'm not saying socialized medicine is that way to go. I have an uncle in Ireland who has been waiting a decade for heart surgery - but something has to be done. Affordable health care HAS to be available. It just has to.

I'm Looking Through You

I'm looking through you,
where did you go?
I thought I knew you,
what did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed.
I'm looking through you, you're not the same.

Your lips are moving,
I cannot hear.
Your voice is soothing,
but the words aren't clear.
You don't sound different,
I've learned the game.
I'm looking through you,
you're not the same.

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.

You're thinking of me,
the same old way.
You were above me,
but not today.
The only difference is you're down there.
I'm looking through you,
any other way.

- Mainly McCartney – Rubber Soul

Lately I have been going through a good bit of soul searching. Everyday I am challenging myself to abandon what I have been taught over the past 25 years and truly follow my essential self. It is amazing what you can learn if you block out all of the noise and focus on what your heart is trying to tell you. I say the experience so far has been amazing – but it has been very disturbing as well.

When you start to be in tune with your essential self – the part of you that is a collection of your purest intensions – you start directing yourself closer to your true path in life. But before you get on this path it has been my experience that your essential self starts seeing the truth about not only the life you are living – but the truth about the people surrounding you.

This is the part of the early stages of my journey that has been particularly disturbing. It seems that every person I’ve been spending time with lately - I see exactly as they are. I see completely through the bullshit and can tell everything about them. In return, I can also start to see how they see me. It’s as if my soul is reading their soul and ignoring my brain that has been socialized not to make snap judgments (for more on snap judgments read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell)

This has been a revelation to me because I don’t at all feel comfortable with what I am seeing in people who I have known for most of my life. What is strange is that all of the dark qualities that are apparent to me now – I have always really known about the person but have looked the other way. When I start observing these things it doesn’t feel like the first time I have had these thoughts. It’s just the first time I have acknowledged them as being right.

There is one person in my life (I say “in” my life but it’s more on the fringe of my life – but just close enough to count every once in awhile). I have known this person for half of my life. Over the years we have never seemed to agree on much of anything, but we stay friends because we have so many mutual friends it seems awkward not to. Most of the time when I leave from spending time with this person I feel bad about myself. After a recent encounter, while I was driving home, if occurred to me: this person actually believes I am a bad person. No matter what I do in life she cuts me down, finds flaws in it and is argumentative. I have come to the conclusion that deep down inside she really thinks I am a bad person. Am I? Absolutely not. I know that. People who care about me don’t. But I am certain she does even though I have never done anything mean to her in my life. She doesn’t ask me how I am doing because she cares – she asks me because she is trying to find out a weakness – something I have failed at – a reason to be right about her assumptions of me.

I probably sound vague and a bit crazy - probably because I’m trying to figure this whole mess of a life out. But one thing I am sure of is that a few months from now I am going to have a lot less friends. I am going to separate myself from phony* people who I have kept in my life out of obligation or some sort of fake emotional connection. I am going to cleanse myself of people who are not positive – who do not truly love and care for me and who do not want me to succeed in life. I am finally ready to cut the cord.

* I really love the word phony. I have loved it since it’s gratuitous use in my favorite book The Catcher and the Rye. I absolutely love the way the word sounds like what it means – and you can say it with such distaste that it can have the impact of a cuss word. It may be my all-time favorite word.

Gen Y - aka the longest blog ever

* Beware of poor grammar - read as your own risk *

In grade school my class was given a group assignment. Each group was to pick a decade starting in the year 1900 and do a report about the most important events. Without fail every group wanted to be the 1960’s. It was the cool decade of our parents. - time of Woodstock, Beat-nicks, activism, war and so much more. People seemed to stand for something. Huge political movements took place and it was a time to us kids that seemed, cool.

As I have grown older I have been unimpressed with my generation: Gen Y. I haven’t been impressed with the pop culture we endured in the 80’s. Fraggle Rock, Care Bears, crazy (although lovable) rock ballads and pop music. Movies seemed to be pretty cheesy. Although I was young during this time – in retrospect it seemed like a culture that was obsessed with status. At least that is my impression based on movies I have seen. The deep dive into cultural difference was The Breakfast Club – nice movie but not the stuff history is made of.

To me the 90’s weren’t much brighter until…grunge music! Finally! What our generation was waiting for to stand up against our parents the way they rebelled from theirs. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains…the list goes on. When I think about it – these groups and this lifestyle was the first time that is crept into my mind that we all don’t have to be robotic corporate drones that pay into a system that may ultimately fail us. But the thought was fleeting and I moved forward doing exactly what was expected of me.

I was being honest when I said that in the past I have been unimpressed, but I have to admit that I am being to really change my mind. Gen Y is poised to cause a huge paradigm shift that is going to change the entire country. As you read this sentence the influence of Gen Y is changing the work force. Come November this generation is going to be a huge reason that a hopeful, Black man is going to sit in the oval office. It is my recent personal belief that Gen Y is the very first generation that is actively trying to seek their proper path in life. These beliefs are almost entirely contradictory to everything we have been taught by our parents, religions, government and schools, but we are changing the mind set – the purpose of life in the most powerful nation in the world.

How is it that the generation of people born in the year when ET was the number one movie in the box office is going to accomplish this feat? Simple: mindset. How did this group develop a mindset that may have a global impact? Well, the answer to that is to take a trip back in time. Keep reading and you will learn why this is the first generation in the history of mankind who will be free.

I’m only going to go back in time as far back I have heard about – as far back as when the United States started to become a diverse nation. My maternal great grandparents arrive on Ellis Island in the early 1900’s. They came over from Italy with nothing but a hope for a life better than what they had at home. They migrated to ghettos with people who shared their language and customs. When they weren’t being discriminated against because of their origin they worked demeaning and grueling work – the men only, of course – in order to sustain a family.

Family was the most important thing to them because of their heritage, but also, I imagine, because they didn’t have much of anyone else around. Also, technology was limited and even if it weren’t they certainly wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway. So “family night” was every night.

Like almost every couple of that time – they had children and usually more than a couple. This generation, our grandparents were raised with the morals and the principles of the old country, but they assimilated into the new culture. They worked very, very hard because they didn’t want their parents hard work and trek to a new life to be in vein. Our grandparents where raised with religion – every last one of them and they also inherited a sense of family which now may seem suppressive.

They too had children – more than a couple most of the time but little did they know that this group of children would be the first to push the moral and social envelope.

The further you are removed from the country of origin the further it seems you get from religion in many cases. Our parents may not have gone to church every Sunday for their entire lives. Our parents tried to built a life the is reminiscent of the lives our their parents but is a society that was rapidly changing. They felt required to maintain the same values in a time where they were less relevant and harder to keep. Women were able to work outside of the homes. It was socially acceptable to have a job, social and home life. However, the expectations where the same as if a women didn’t have all of that surrounding her.

They were truly a generation of war. Their fathers often veterans for WWII and their brothers and cousins fighting a disaster in Vietnam – it seemed like every family had at least someone who had been enlisted. They finally had a taste of freedom. The protested, they watched Civil rights become a reality – they wanted to give peace a chance.

It almost seems like women of this generation felt bad not doing it all because it was a form of ingratitude not to accomplish things their mothers never got the opportunity to achieve.

Needless to say – the same results as prior generations where impossible to maintain. Just like their parents they were loyal to companies for decades only to be laid off before they were eligible for a pension (pension? What’s that? Exactly). They got married young as their parents did – but there were far too many options available for them to be happy just with getting married. So what happened? Half of them got divorced. As I type this the Bill Joel song “Scenes from and Italian Restaurant” is coursing through my head. It sums up the story of our parent’s generation so have a listen.

What is strange to me is that these peace-loving individuals now seem to be in support of the war in Iraq. I asked my mother about that and she said that I wouldn’t understand because I didn’t have children yet. Only time will tell if she is right.

Anyway, this long trail of history leads to us…Gen Y…the topic of this essay. This part is going to be the easiest to explain because I am it! So Gen y had the opportunity to witness some crazy things that were very formative to us. First we saw our parents work day and night for unappreciative companies. We saw them never really seem actually happy in the purest sense of the word. We saw them fail at marriage – in many cases fail at parenthood and be generally overwhelmed and under prepared.

Does that seem hash? I’m sure not everyone’s parents have failed them – but if you are really honest with yourself - and if your parents were really honest with themselves…not very many would say that they ever found their purpose in life. Maybe Oprah but that might be it.

We witnessed first hand that everything our parents where taught by their parents who where taught by their parents…well…failed. So what did we do with that knowledge? Well first we stifled it. We went to high school. Tried to discover ourselves but only wound up feeling self-conscious and unsure. What did we do next with that gem we know is true? Well…we then buried it deep down inside. We went to college – studied NOT what we loved but what we thought would make us money and give us the best shot at becoming independently wealthy. Then – really – what did we do? Well…we shoved it a little further down – took a job that applied as closely as we could to our major. Tried to get paid as much as we can (which wasn’t as much as we deserved) and we slaved away – doing the right thing – until we…FINALLY heard our souls crying out. Seriously…it was probably audible – I think mine was. We saw the past fail but we were so socialized to believe that was the only way that we were forced to try it out and see it fail first hand.

And now we are getting closer to why we are a revolutionary generation. We, my friends – remember this part – we want to find our purpose in life. As a collective mass of people – we want to do (gasp) what makes us happy! No kidding.

Everyone I know…ok…start over…most everyone I know that is in their mid to late 20’s is actively trying to figure out what their path is to happiness. Not their path to the bank but a path to fulfillment. I asked my mom about it the other day. I asked her when she was my age if she and her friends ever questioned their purpose. Every wondered if there was more they should be doing to become happier. Her answer surprised me – the answer was no.

That is what going me thinking – got me going back in time…why didn’t she think that way? And just as important why do I? I really believe we should be grateful for our parent’s strife. It is because of them – and only because of them that we were able to change our way of thinking. We are beginning to change priorities – goals – definitions of success. Does anyone else believe this is freaking HUGE? I think this is a giant revolutionary leap.

I have to believe as more and more people my age start searching for their paths this country and soon after the world, is going to change. We are going to raise our children with these standards (if we choose to have them).

This observation has made me very hopeful. It makes me understand that I am not the only one whose objective is happiness – not social approval. But won’t it be a great day when capturing happiness - finding our purpose - was the ultimate achievement and got the stamp of social approval?

Strange happenings...

In high school I did have girlfriends, but I really related more the boys in my class. The person who I was the closest with from my sophomore year in high school through half way through college was a boy. He knew everything about me. There was a topic off limits to talk about and I loved him very much. I actually told him that as often as I could remember. There was a time during college when I couldn’t get in touch with him. I tried calling, emailing, IMing for months. I grew concerned and contacted his mother who I was friends with and still got no reply. Finally, he called me. He told me we could no longer be friends and asked me to leave him alone. I held it together while we were on the phone but as soon as I hug up I was in hysterics. I had lost my best friend and had no idea why. There was not explanation. No closure. It haunted me for years.

Yesterday afternoon I headed to the airport to catch a flight. Per usual my gate was the last in the concourse. When I finally reached it there was not a soul in sight. The gate was moved to the opposite end of the concourse and when I got there I found my flight delayed for an hour.

I texted my travel companion about the delay and gate change, got some coffee and started some serious people watching. It is my favorite thing to do in public places. I have this game I play where I look at the shoes the people are wearing and decide in a split second whether I would wear them or not. It started in Catholic church when I was a kid. I would kneel during communion and I could only see the feet on the people passing me in the pew. It was a way to distract me from the icky waffer stuck to the roof of my mouth.

As I was people wathcing who should walk by me but my long lost best friend? I hadn’t seen his face in over 6 years. I froze wanting nothing more than to be invisible. Luckily, he didn’t see me and I felt a sense of relief.

I continued watching stranger’s feet when I saw my travel companion walk past the gate. I called after her but she couldn’t hear me so I picked up my bags and tried to catch her.

While I was chasing her I called one of my best high school friends in NYC to tell her who I saw. As I was hanging up after leaving a voicemail I physically ran into someone. I looked up and it was him – the only person who had ever really broken my heart.

Awkward doesn’t even begin to describe the encounter. I was certain he hated me and would have something cruel to say. To my surprise he smiled.

We caught up. We shared where we lived, what we were doing, who we seeing. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes and then he said, “see you in four years”, turned around and left.

I found my work friend back the gate where I started and told her the story. She asked why I didn’t give him my number. I guess I didn’t because he never asked for it. I don’t think this experience happened for us to regain what we had lost. It was for me to get closure about a painful situation - a way for me to see him one last time and feel good about where we stood.

Everything that lead to the encounter was fateful. This was the reason my gate changed. If I was at the end of the terminal I would have never seen him. This was the reason my flight was delayed. I should have been half way to Jacksonville. This was the reason my work friend forgot the gate had changed even though I told her. Had I just stayed where I was I would not have run into him.

It is amazing how the universe helps you find peace.

A Wrinkle in Time

Most people can look back at their lives and find points in time where a choice that they made in the split second changed the course of their lives forever. I know I can. But how many people can recognize those times right as they are happening? Probably not that many. I am one of those few people who can recognize those course-changing moments as they occur.

A little over a year ago I was working at 99X selling air time. We have these gatherings called Live X’s - where we have some current band on a promotional tour swing by the station and do a live acoustic set in front of a small group of listeners. The most famous recording of this can be found on the Weezer Blue album’s second CD called Dusty Gems and Rare Nuggets. There you can find a 99X Live X recording of Jamie. It is wonderful.

Anyway, about a year ago Athlete rolled into the studio to do a Live X and I attended. I really don’t remember much about the show, but towards the end I noticed a guy who I new ages ago. When I say ages, I mean literally ten years ago. I didn’t look very cute so I didn’t want my first impression on this guy after 10 years be a bad one. A work friend encouraged me to follow after him and say hello.

As he was leaving I chased him down the hallway and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and I said, “Do you remember me?” and he did. We realized that he worked literally .25 miles (according to Map Quest) away from the station so we started going to lunch together and I hooked up with several other friends from my youth.

As we got to know each other again I learn of his band (which I really enjoyed) and I started working him into the 99X fabric as best I could. After about a week after our reunion I told a co-worker that meeting him again is one of those moments that would impact my life forever. I didn’t know how or to what extent but I knew. I also told his girlfriend, who I also grew up with that same thing a few days later.

Now it is a year later. I am no longer at the station but I was absolutely correct. When I went to see one of my classmate’s shows at Smith’s I saw a striking man in the audience. I had been going to shows for a long enough time that I knew everyone in the audience, except for this guy. I made a complete ass out of myself because I didn’t approach this stranger until I had a few too many drinks in me. A few weeks later my old friend asked me to come with him to see another show. I didn’t want to go but gave in eventually. Who was behind the drum kit of this other band? The same guy who I saw at Smith’s. This time we actually spoke and really hit it off. The rest is history.

Through this one person I also met his guitar player and his wife. My boyfriend (the striking man behind the drums) and I have grown very close to this couple. I know they are going to be our friends for life.

That one moment over a year ago – that one tap of the shoulder – that one split second in time lead me to my destiny. If I didn’t make that choice to put myself out there I would not be sitting next to the man of my dreams typing about this story. Crazy, eh?

If you aren’t tired of reading yet I have my second example of when I have placed a bookmark at a random point in time that really did turn out to be a life altering event.

Two or more years ago when I was at the station I was calling on Moe’s to see if I could get them to spend money on advertising. The person I was talking to seemed to be interviewing me. It was strange. At the end of our meeting he asked me if I wanted to interview to be their new PR Director. I told him I was happy where I was but I referred one of my closest friends. After leaving the meeting I called her right way. I told her that I was positive that this meeting had changed the course of both of our lives. I went back to the station and told a work friend and my manager the same thing. They thought I was nuts but I knew I was right. By the end of the week she had the job.

The story doesn’t end there. Nine months later I was unhappy at my current job. Moe’s reorganized and the people that she disliked where no longer there and instead they hired a dynamic woman who was amazing. Shortly after they expanded the marketing team and I was hired a few days later. As if that didn’t make my prediction true there is more. Nine months after I started the company got sold and I stand to make a large sum of money because I am a share holder. Need more proof? Well, I can’t share the rest of the great things this job has brought to my friend because it’s kind of under-wraps. But believe me it’s good.

Those two distinct moments in time just gave me the feeling that they were special and in both cases I was right. It’s a really great gift. I look forward to my next experience.

Why am I such a girl?

Don't really consider myself a girly girl. I mean I do wear makeup and dress up sometimes. I like shopping, but not as much as other girls I know. I am pretty open and honest in relationships and say what I mean. Then why in the world did I do the most classic girl move ever yesterday?

I was coming home from the airport and I was in the last gate at the C concourse. I had to wheel my luggage as well as carry a 50 pound shoulder bag with my laptop, work files, book, etc. After getting off of the train the escalator was broken. I wanted to get home as soon as possible so I huffed it up the one million steps carrying my wheelie bag and my 50 pound "brief case" (it's much cuter than a normal brief case). Next I walked about a half a mile to the parking lot and up 5 flights of steps to the top. I prepaid on foot and they didn't give me a receipt so accounting is going to give me hell come expense report time. Aggravated I then walked another quarter mile to my car and drove 20 miles home. Needless to say I was pooped and I was dreading the thought of parking in the parking deck and walking up the three flights of stairs I would need to to finally be at home. Did I mention it is 10:45 at this point? So far, not so girly.

I am getting off of the highway and I call my boyfriend to let him know I'll be home in 2 minutes and asked him to come down to let me in and help me carry my stuff in. He hesitates. I look at the clock. It is 10:50 and it registers that he is watching LOST (one of his favorite shows) and the last 10 minutes is always the best. So even though he doesn't say anything I jump in and say, "Don't worry about it. You're watching LOST. I'll just carry the stuff up myself." He says, "Ok baby. See you in a few minutes." I hang up without saying bye and find myself pissed. Why didn't he know that I really wanted him to come down and help me because I was exhausted and didn't even know if I could make it another step with all of my crap? I was actually mad at him. This is where I transform into a total girl.

Why did I say it was ok for him not to help when that is really wanted? Why did I feel mad at him for him just agreeing to my suggestion? Why when I am in the best relationship anyone could ever dream of am I pulling the petty, bullshit girl stuff? I was really bothered with myself. I should say what I mean and not hope that someone else will read my mind. I hate girls that do that stuff and that was exactly what I was doing

So, I huffed and puffed out of the parking garage, up three flights of steps, down the hallway, fumbled for me keys, opened the door and dropped all of my things on the floor at once. The next thing I did was walk straight to my boyfriend, gave him a smooch and apologized. When he asked what I was sorry for I explained what I did and told him I would just ask for what I needed instead of having him read my mind. He thought I was being weird and didn’t have a clue what I meant. He said, "Well, there's nothing to do about it now so just drop it." And drop it I did.

No matter who much you think you beat the stereotype sometimes I think you're just born with it. Girls will be girls.

Scared to Death

Most people who know me would think I was a pretty happy-go-lucky girl. I get hyper at times and I usually only socialize when I am in the mood - therefore putting my best face forward. One thing people probably do not know is that I am terrified of death.

This started recently, but I think that it is deeper rooted than I first thought. In college I had a boyfriend of three years and I lived with my best friend. I was always with someone - never alone. But whenever I was left alone, those rare times when both those people were out of town, I would panic. I would hyperventilate. I was terrified of being alone. I finally learned how to cope with that and I don't experience those feelings any longer. I actually lived alone for a period of time and loved it. But I think my fear of death is another example of my mind's ability to have illegitimate fear.

Now I am in the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life. I am certain I have found the person who I will spend the rest of my life with. But now all of a sudden I am afraid to die and I think it has to do with him. I think that I am finally as happy as a can possibly be and I am afraid to lose it. I have someone who means more to me than anything and the thought of losing it to something out of my control...such as death...freaks me out.

Also, I have recently been really rethinking my beliefs about God. I was raised Catholic and did that whole thing, including Catholic school, my whole life. Now I am beginning to think that I don't buy it. Christianity seems too simple. Too narrow. Too black and white. But to its credit, I was not afraid to die when I thought I knew where I am going. Now that I am not so sure what life is all about and where I am going when it is all over I find myself scared to die. I guess my biggest fear isn't actually death. My biggest fear is the fear of the unknown.

My boyfriend tries to tell me not to worry about what happens next. He believes that the grand scheme is so complex that our human minds cannot fathom what happens next. I need to take his advice to be more relaxed about it all.

I will admit, being scared of the afterlife has helped in certain ways. I am very conscious of my existence. I make sure that every contact I have with people I care about leave on a good note - just in case it is the last. I am always aware of the mark I want to leave on this Earth. Even if I am unsure about the future, I do know that life continues after I am gone and I can control my impact on that.

So maybe a little fear is good. Even though every time my boyfriend says I will love you forever I make him say - and the after life. Just in case he has a choice of whom he spends eternity with.