I'm Looking Through You

I'm looking through you,
where did you go?
I thought I knew you,
what did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed.
I'm looking through you, you're not the same.

Your lips are moving,
I cannot hear.
Your voice is soothing,
but the words aren't clear.
You don't sound different,
I've learned the game.
I'm looking through you,
you're not the same.

Why, tell me why, did you not treat me right?
Love has a nasty habit of disappearing overnight.

You're thinking of me,
the same old way.
You were above me,
but not today.
The only difference is you're down there.
I'm looking through you,
any other way.

- Mainly McCartney – Rubber Soul

Lately I have been going through a good bit of soul searching. Everyday I am challenging myself to abandon what I have been taught over the past 25 years and truly follow my essential self. It is amazing what you can learn if you block out all of the noise and focus on what your heart is trying to tell you. I say the experience so far has been amazing – but it has been very disturbing as well.

When you start to be in tune with your essential self – the part of you that is a collection of your purest intensions – you start directing yourself closer to your true path in life. But before you get on this path it has been my experience that your essential self starts seeing the truth about not only the life you are living – but the truth about the people surrounding you.

This is the part of the early stages of my journey that has been particularly disturbing. It seems that every person I’ve been spending time with lately - I see exactly as they are. I see completely through the bullshit and can tell everything about them. In return, I can also start to see how they see me. It’s as if my soul is reading their soul and ignoring my brain that has been socialized not to make snap judgments (for more on snap judgments read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell)

This has been a revelation to me because I don’t at all feel comfortable with what I am seeing in people who I have known for most of my life. What is strange is that all of the dark qualities that are apparent to me now – I have always really known about the person but have looked the other way. When I start observing these things it doesn’t feel like the first time I have had these thoughts. It’s just the first time I have acknowledged them as being right.

There is one person in my life (I say “in” my life but it’s more on the fringe of my life – but just close enough to count every once in awhile). I have known this person for half of my life. Over the years we have never seemed to agree on much of anything, but we stay friends because we have so many mutual friends it seems awkward not to. Most of the time when I leave from spending time with this person I feel bad about myself. After a recent encounter, while I was driving home, if occurred to me: this person actually believes I am a bad person. No matter what I do in life she cuts me down, finds flaws in it and is argumentative. I have come to the conclusion that deep down inside she really thinks I am a bad person. Am I? Absolutely not. I know that. People who care about me don’t. But I am certain she does even though I have never done anything mean to her in my life. She doesn’t ask me how I am doing because she cares – she asks me because she is trying to find out a weakness – something I have failed at – a reason to be right about her assumptions of me.

I probably sound vague and a bit crazy - probably because I’m trying to figure this whole mess of a life out. But one thing I am sure of is that a few months from now I am going to have a lot less friends. I am going to separate myself from phony* people who I have kept in my life out of obligation or some sort of fake emotional connection. I am going to cleanse myself of people who are not positive – who do not truly love and care for me and who do not want me to succeed in life. I am finally ready to cut the cord.

* I really love the word phony. I have loved it since it’s gratuitous use in my favorite book The Catcher and the Rye. I absolutely love the way the word sounds like what it means – and you can say it with such distaste that it can have the impact of a cuss word. It may be my all-time favorite word.