Scared to Death

Most people who know me would think I was a pretty happy-go-lucky girl. I get hyper at times and I usually only socialize when I am in the mood - therefore putting my best face forward. One thing people probably do not know is that I am terrified of death.

This started recently, but I think that it is deeper rooted than I first thought. In college I had a boyfriend of three years and I lived with my best friend. I was always with someone - never alone. But whenever I was left alone, those rare times when both those people were out of town, I would panic. I would hyperventilate. I was terrified of being alone. I finally learned how to cope with that and I don't experience those feelings any longer. I actually lived alone for a period of time and loved it. But I think my fear of death is another example of my mind's ability to have illegitimate fear.

Now I am in the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life. I am certain I have found the person who I will spend the rest of my life with. But now all of a sudden I am afraid to die and I think it has to do with him. I think that I am finally as happy as a can possibly be and I am afraid to lose it. I have someone who means more to me than anything and the thought of losing it to something out of my control...such as death...freaks me out.

Also, I have recently been really rethinking my beliefs about God. I was raised Catholic and did that whole thing, including Catholic school, my whole life. Now I am beginning to think that I don't buy it. Christianity seems too simple. Too narrow. Too black and white. But to its credit, I was not afraid to die when I thought I knew where I am going. Now that I am not so sure what life is all about and where I am going when it is all over I find myself scared to die. I guess my biggest fear isn't actually death. My biggest fear is the fear of the unknown.

My boyfriend tries to tell me not to worry about what happens next. He believes that the grand scheme is so complex that our human minds cannot fathom what happens next. I need to take his advice to be more relaxed about it all.

I will admit, being scared of the afterlife has helped in certain ways. I am very conscious of my existence. I make sure that every contact I have with people I care about leave on a good note - just in case it is the last. I am always aware of the mark I want to leave on this Earth. Even if I am unsure about the future, I do know that life continues after I am gone and I can control my impact on that.

So maybe a little fear is good. Even though every time my boyfriend says I will love you forever I make him say - and the after life. Just in case he has a choice of whom he spends eternity with.